Decision
by Trans
Summary: Decisions are not something he is used to, not something he’s ever had a chance to make. But this decision could very well change everything, and maybe that is exactly what he needs. HisokaxTsuzuki


**Decision**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the characters, setting, anime/manga…blah, blah, blah.

**A/N: **Couldn't stop myself from writing this…and it also happens to be the first fanfic I've written that wasn't Yu Yu Hakusho. I always thought it was kinda cute that Hisoka tries to say that Konoe begged him, when you know he decided not to leave before hand, and that no replacement ever showed up to relieve him of the post. This is set right after Hisoka and Tsuzuki's first case together.

I never made a decision before _now_.

It wasn't like I was incapable. I'm sure if I was ever given the _choice_, then I could have done it quite competently. I could have done it. But my life was never like that. I couldn't make the friends I wanted because I was of the Kurosaki line. I couldn't dabble in sports or hobbies--those weren't proper--but was instead trained in kendo, aikido, and archery. I never felt what I wanted to feel about things; it was always _other's_ emotions and _other's_ thoughts. I was never given _choices--_never _asked_.

The room that was large but almost constantly dark wasn't my choice. The silence came unasked, I never knew when food would come, or when I would be let out. That night under the red moon, so full of bloodlust in the sky, I wasn't given the option of running. It was just that silver man, that bloody woman, and a tight grip. Cherry blossoms choking me, and his hold was so painfully tight; I didn't have the chance to push him away. I could never stop my screams or pass out when I so desperately wanted to escape that hurt. He just took, and the curse was forced unwillingly upon me.

Dying wasn't my decision to make. I wasted away without knowing why--the memories of that night being taken too--that searing curse. I suffered pain that I didn't deserve and certainly never asked for; years of my life dwindling away despite all I tried. It was a slow and painful death. Fighting wasn't my decision to make, and when I took my last shuttering breath, it wasn't my wish for my body to fail me.

Life was not my decision, nor was death.

In all honesty, I never planned to become a shinigami. My attachment to my stolen life was not my choice. The orientation was just what happened. It was like being shuffled around, lost, and without a place to go. When I heard the rumors, the whispers about my death, when I knew I had truly been murdered…It wasn't a decision. My scores were high and praising, a natural for a shinigami. Sensory scores, defensive, and recovery times, all just ways of saying that this is what I _would _be.

My partner was chosen for me. The case thrust at me soon after. This new life was no different than before; no choices left to me. My apartment was ready, clothes left in the drawers. Nothing was mine, no choices, no decisions, no will.

I certainly NEVER would have chosen _him_, even if I had been given that right. Tsuzuki was a blundering idiot at best. His emotions were erratic and powerful, easily plowing over my own defenses. It seemed a joke really. I remember thinking how I was tricked into being with someone like him. It was the worst possible situation, and I had no choice.

Then again, I never _asked _for those emotions to be directed at _me_. Pity and guilt; unwanted. There was caring, anger, sadness. He just couldn't keep anything to himself, and it was infuriating to no end. How did this man even manage to get out of bed in the morning? I couldn't stand him--couldn't stand his smile or his idiotic cheer. He felt too much, unneeded, unwanted.

And then…and _then_. It had hurt, pain surpassing that which most could feel, because most that lost _that_ much blood would have long since died. I couldn't push that man away. His arms were hard, nails sharp, the harbinger of so much pain. I couldn't decide to fight; I wasn't strong enough. That man, Muraki took me with ease, strung me up, and pulled the strings like I had no will at all. But what was the most painful of all, what truly made me wish I could decide to make it all _stop_, was when he awoke the curse.

I'm not sure, couldn't even say now, whether I would have decided to remember the truth if given the choice. The memories were like a tear through my very soul, dark, and unforgiving. I was stuck there, his pawn--Tsuzuki's bait. Nothing more, and I couldn't help but feel scared and alone. A part of me wished so desperately that he would come and at the same time wouldn't.

But he came.

Unasked…but so very welcomed, _he came_.

The fight was beyond my control; my help. Tsuzuki…he…was so very strong. So very _deciding. _He fought to protect us, Maria and I. Every sacrifice he made, was his _choice_ to protect us. Bloody and battered he fought, even shielding, even giving his spine…

And when he asked…_please Hisoka_….how could I say no? There was no room to argue. No options, but that very last hope. It would end. No choices, no decisions left to be made. Only give in, and…trust.

My fingers clench on the edge of the hospital bed now. _Trust_. The infirmary is empty, cool, with only the morning light coming in through the windows. I feel tired and unsure, weak and still recovering my reserves. A man comes into the room, and I don't recognize him from the usual blonde I saw all of once before.

"Sorry for causing trouble," I say. He leans over me and begins to unwind the bandage that had been covering my right eye. My injured eye. It still seems so strange to me to be able to heal so quickly…only we still feel pain. So very human. "Are you substituting for the regular doctor?"

He inclines his head in a yes, as he takes away the used wrap. "No worries. We're finished here." I run my fingers over the now perfect skin, still tingling with a slight itch. How very strange… "I hear…," he continues as he walks to a table, "you're quitting?"

I pause. Quitting? _Voluntarily_ deciding to leave? It hadn't really crossed my mind. I never thought that it would be up to me. Then again--it was so obvious. You had to request a transfer. _Request it_. Somehow the though felt even more odd than my now healed eye. I had after all hated being partnered with Tsuzuki. He was an idiot right? Intolerable. I'd wanted to leave the moment I met him…

"Tsuzuki needs a new partner again." His tone is so sure. _Absolute_. This must happen so often…

But his sureness makes me feel rebellious. It makes my choice obvious, like…like it really isn't my choice. _But it is. _"Um…" I can hear my own voice break my silence. I'm not sure what I want to say, but I want to take back that right. I want to decide for myself. "I…I think I might stay a while longer."

New. Deciding is new. After all, I can remember that dimwit when he really _wasn't_ an idiot. When that smile turned firm. I can remember his face hard in battle, and his unshaken belief. To protect, not just Maria, but…me. Perhaps, I could give him just a little longer. A chance wasn't too much for me to give. To _decide_ to give.

"Oh?" he sprouts surprised, but I ignore him. Konoe asked me to come to his office when I was done.

I haven't seen Tsuzuki since this morning. He had been eating donuts, smiling, and chatting away with another worker (someone I haven't been here long enough to have met). But I knew, it was so blatant now, that his emotions were like a cloud over his head.

He thinks I'll leave too.

The Chief's office is small, but when I close the door, it doesn't feel too cramped. I sit down on the offered chair across from his desk, and politely wait for him to tell me why he's called me here. "Kurosaki-kun, its nice to see you are fairing well after your first case."

Its shallow. Not that he isn't really glad, but the light-hearted greeting is so fake. There are emotions there, disappointment, resignation, and a slight edge of frustration. I can feel it, and it makes me tense and uneasy, not that being called into my bosses office hasn't already done that. "Thank you sir."

"I've already read Gushoshin's report. This case wasn't really ideal for one's first time." He pauses putting his fingers together and sighing. "Gushoshin also believed that you and Tsuzuki weren't the most compatible of partners." I incline my head shortly, not seeing any point in lying. We really don't get along. I can tolerate him to some degree, knowing there really is more to him then that child-like demeanor now, but it doesn't automatically make it easier. "No one is to blame. Believe me, this wouldn't be the first time Tsuzuki has needed a new partner, and not the first time that one only lasted a case." I freeze in understanding. It was just like the doctor. He already thinks he _knows_ what I'll do. He isn't even _asking_ for _my_ decision. He's making it for me. A bit of fire licks at my stomach. "All I ask is that you stay with him long enough for us to find a replacement--"

"I would need to file a request," I cut in.

"Uh--well, yes." He seems surprised that I interrupted so impolitely. There is a flutter of sadness_--he really wants to leave that much…_

"I would need to submit a request for a transfer, which would be reviewed, and then you would decide where to move me, correct?" My tone is still flat. I try to prevent it from being cold, but it barely passes as civil.

"Yes, that's right." He seems even more dejected.

I square my shoulders. "Then I don't see why I'm here, with all due respect, Sir. I haven't submitted anything. My report isn't even complete."

I can feel the rush of confusion, the small twinge of daring disbelief. His face shows it clearly as well. "That is--no. I suppose you haven't." He is staring at me like I'm something beyond what he's ever laid eyes on. And there is _hope_.

"Then I wouldn't want to take up anymore of your time, Sir. I do have a report to finish." I stand up and bow my head politely.

A warm smile is on his lips now, perfectly matching his feelings. "Yes, I better let you go to your partner then. Try to get him to turn his report in, in a more timely fashion, no?" His voice is lighter, hopeful, and so very happy. "Have a good day Kurosaki-kun."

"Thank you Sir," I reply as I turn just before he can see the small smile that flits across my own lips. _My_ first decision. _My_ choice. _My_ wish. I had decided to stay, and not because anyone made me do it, but because of my _own_ will.

Perhaps…just maybe, this could work out after all.

The time is already late when I leave Konoe's office, and everyone has already left to go home. I walk outside, surprised to find it raining. I was told, that it was always spring in Meifu, but that it would rain every once in a while to give people hope. It was strange to therefore have it raining on a day like today. Perhaps it was a sign, although I never believed in such things.

I can see him leaning against the railing, waiting, I know. I can almost feel it from here. There is such a deep longing for not another to leave. Abandonment. Deep sadness and turmoil. _Lonely_, I feel, and his mood is just so dark that I wouldn't be surprised if it was _that_, that was causing such heavy rain.

He too believes that I'm leaving. It is just an _undeniable_ fact to him. Something to be expected. No one has ever stayed. But I know what I alone decided. Suddenly it is more than I realized. It isn't just me breaking free to be my own--to wield my free-will as I choose. Everyone expected me to leave. No one ever thought I would stay as Tsuzuki's partner…not even Tsuzuki.

My decision would mean as much to me, as it meant to him.

I know I won't admit that I practically asked to stay. I wouldn't. I would say Konoe asked me to stay a bit longer…and when a replacement never came, neither of us would bring it up. Because I still didn't want to tell him how I _felt_ about my choice, and I knew he would be too _afraid_ to ask when the time came. But maybe…when it did, just maybe, I would have come far enough to tell him the truth. Maybe when the day comes when he realizes there never was a request to be replaced, it will also be the day that I can decide it doesn't bother me to admit that _he_ doesn't really bother me that much…

No…he's actually…kinda alright. Bracing myself to be drenched, I leave the steps of the building, and walk towards that railing--walk towards Tsuzuki.

-The End-


End file.
